@Nudhul a list of things out of my control that each could just end my current life style (war, moderately deteriorating family relations, mystery forest animal event of which I've had oh too many already, getting fucked by paperwork for 2 months counting, current chronic looking minor illness, sudden major illness/return of any of my previous ailments that all disappeared on their own previously after disturbing my life for years, uncertainty what I'll do after October with regards to work, massive dislike to what my government is doing at home, and probably a few more that i can't remember in one go) making me feel rather overwhelmed combined with the physical and mental stress I'm voluntarily putting myself through the feeling is best describeable right now as "i want to lie down and cry for a month, but i cannot cry and i cannot lie down" I think my emotional crash in November will probably be legendary